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Luna, grandma cookies are made by Frito Lay. They are all "soft batch" or whatever but when my grandpa brought them home when he came home (he was a Frito Lay delivery man) they were crispy and delightful.

Mary, we’re 20 miles NW of 285, nothing out here is named after peaches. All of the roads are named after the landowners that used to own the particular land on which the roads, schools and subdivisions were built. There’s a shit ton of stuff named Harrison, Durham and McClain.

This makes me unaccountably happy. If I were there, I would legit point and laugh. The only thing close to that I ever did with my kids was one Saturday Will had to be up and go somewhere, and he wouldn't get up. He had a TV in his room, so I turned it on to Queer Eye, turned the volume up, and stole his remote. That particular episode had them making over a bunch of nudists. It was regular cable, so things were blurred, but it worked as far as making Will get out of bed.

You should’ve sat down across from him and eaten the entire pizza, while staring at him the entire time. And if he reached in to grab a slice, you should’ve said, “this is mine, get your own.” While never breaking eye contact.

jesus. I didn't know someone would be more interested in being right that being married.

5. They saw a hot chick and wanted a closer look

3. They burned down the firehouse and needed to let everyone know before returning to it (via the u-turn) and putting it out.

Thanks! His birthday sucked (until drinks out at Boxing Bear) because his new coworker is awful, but he's gettin' his eyes did on 5/27, so hopefully that will make up for it!

+1 for the chicken butt. 2 weeks away! great news

Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!!!