The good is there was a "Tentative Hearing" today. I knew nothing of it. It's stupid really. The lawyers go to court and the judge tells them, "Here's a copy for you of a document I signed that tells how I'm going to rule when you come back tomorrow." Judicial bullshit. Anyway, pretty much everything is going my way. Pension, done deal. 401(k) done deal but has a hiccup. The QDRO prepared by my CPA states two different figures for the premarital amount in the account at time of separation. The evil ex's lawyer sent the CPA a letter a month ago asking for clarification, and supposedly never got a reply. If this true, it holds things up. I will strangle the CPA like Homer does Bart: "Why you little...!" 

Anyway, alimony. The ex said she would agree to it being dropped if I would pay the nearly $9k in arrears that go from May to now. The judge says no, it's stopping right now no matter what. Period. End of discussion. Sweet. Legally he could have ordered I keep paying it until I'm 67. I just saved $109k! The lawyers are ordered to work out an agreement on my paying any arrears from May through August only. September and this month are off the table. I may end up paying some of that, but probably not all. Finally, the judge each of our requests for the other to pay legal, court, discovery, and other fees is denied. That sounds bad on the surface, but he goes on. He will on his own make a determination based on what the law says about who pays what. This hinges on both parties ability to pay any part of their own or the others. I will likely end up not paying shit. Again, tomorrow, I hope my ex will be fuming when she leaves the courthouse tomorrow in her fucking Lexus. I will be imagining that all day. Smiley face icon.

Lastly, the Really? My sister appeared to have a real bug up her ass today. After coming home from CVS I mentioned I had gotten my second shot in the shingles vaccine series. I shouldn't have done that. Vaccines are a waste and pharmacies just push them to make money. But I've read medical articles that say a man my age should.Yes, they just say that to make money. Have you ever spoken to or known someone who had it, sis? I have, and I don't want to get it. It's just a higher dose of the chicken pox vaccine and they just do it to get you to buy it. My insurance pays for it 100%. Silence.

A couple days ago I asked my BIL If I could put an amplifier somewhere in the basement so I could practice with one of my electric guitars. He said yes, just not in the way of the bar, pool table or ping pong table. I found a spot this morning while my sister was out and set it in place. When my BIL and I went down to play pool after dinner she was down there restocking the bar. She looked at me and in a snotty tone said, "You'll have to move that. I don't want it there." MY BIL rolled his eyes. I'm sure it will be discussed heatedly between them later. Just like my mother, there is a lot of importance placed what she wants where and ensuring everything stays that way at every moment. Isn't life too short for that?

Later, we were in the theater room picking out movies to watch in the near future. She was scrolling through them so fast you couldn't read the titles if they contained more than one word. My BIL asked he to stop it, but it continues. There was a line of titles for Halloween related movies. I asked to see what those were. Again, real snotty she told me, "We aren't watching those." 

I'm starting to feel like I need to live walking on egg shells. I don't know how long I can do that. I may end up constantly unsure if I'm being an irritant for some reason, or if my presence is beginning to be resented or a problem, or maybe at six months she feels I should have done more to show my gratitude. I've done all I can, including taking unnecessary shit from her. I hope it's recognized I've lived alone for the last 11 years, and my ways are going to be a bit different. Also, I'm not one of her kids. It seems a heart to heart is in order.    

I've come back to find this can no longer be done. There are these fenced, wooden walkways and observation decks all over. No more running loose. Apparently, while I was gone there were a few serious accidents and a death.

Unfortunately, right after I got here a 16-year-old girl with depression whom was missing managed to jump to her death there. I found today a very well hidden, non-fenced trail past the park. It leads to the rock shelves where the water goes down over the front of the falls. 60 feet in the air.

The thought is terribly, horribly sad. Such a young life that likely seemed 100% hopeless and worthless to its owner. The tributes at the park are very sad, as well. It truly made me feel really lucky for the shape of my mental state. It could be very much worse.

The bonfire was great, but wore me out. I was at my parent's at 10:30 a.m. to help set up tables, dining tents, chairs, carry firewood, etc.. I didn't stop until the party started at 4:00. There were 50 people at least. It was impossible to count the kids as they didn't stop running wild. My niece's husband set up a huge screen and video projector for them to watch Scoobie Doo. My parent's went to great trouble to turn the grain barn into a spook house for them. Everyone had a great time. There was much lamenting that this would be the last one, after a 13 year run.

Anyway, things wrapped up about 10:00, after which I helped bring leftover food, paper products, hot chocolate machine, etc. inside. I was home at 11:00 p.m.. Monday morning I was back there at 11:00 p.m. to finish helping them reverse set up. I worry. My dad is nearly 80. He has two replacement knees thanks to doing marathons and triathlons in his 50's. He has a degenerative spine condition that has him hunched over. Yet, he feels he is okay to do things like climb tall ladders, and lift and carry large plywood sheets that weight 40+ pounds.    

After dinner with my brother tonight we were talking and heard a pack of coyotes howling and yipping in the soybean field behind his house. A large pack. He said he had never in 25 years heard such a large pack, or so close to the house. We soon heard quiet rustling in the hedge row separating the field from his yard that followed the direction the yipping was moving. We kind of decided to go in at that point. Real curious, but not taking any chances.

Have a good Wednesday.

Last night we had winds of 20-30 MPH. No matter what the reports said, the gusts here were up to 40. When I got up this morning, it was 35 and breezy outside, 61 in the house. I felt a floor register and I swear, their was cool air blowing out of it.

OSU lost last night, and I have to admit they deserved to lose. They were like a bunch of flopping fish on the field. Our Heisman quarterback simply cannot run. He's just too slow, and you can't throw every single play. Purdue had a mix of plays and we were not ready for, or expecting it.

I'm getting upset with the networks regarding games. The games are an hour not including halftime. You have to sit in front of the TV for four hours. Because big money talks and you know, commercials. The networks don't show replays of questionable calls by the refs. We miss viewing plays altogether because big money talks and you know, commercials.   

With the diet, I've been eating nothing but good foods, in painfully small meals, five times a day. I'm being critically judged, so not good enough. I'm eating too often. Too much. Whatever. She has even slipped in her criticisms on one thing. I now know if she doesn't see what I'm eating and how much, she is looking in the kitchen trash can when I'm not around, inspecting the wrappers and so on. Really? She doesn't get that blood sugar levels also play a part in it, even though I went seriously hypoglycemic for a bit yesterday afternoon by being busy with something and lost track of time. I'm not going to argue or get into a long discussion.

I'm doing great with the sleep aspect. Still, this morning I had to hear about the previous napping. Well, sometimes I was taking an afternoon nap. I'm retired now. When I had nothing going on, I thought, "I never got to treat myself to an afternoon weekday nap. Why the hell not now?" Then as mentioned previously, twice recently she launched me into a near-mental and emotional melt down because of her well-meaning ranting at me about various issues of mine. I had to go upstairs to sleep to get away from it/her. Well, it's a thing of the past, except you are making me feel a lot like retreating now. 

Then, I'm hearing about the smoking again. With the change in meds, diet, sleep habits, legal shit, emotional and mental stuff, I kinds have enough going with my body and mind right now, right?

The women interviewed talked very generally about the past and how they feel. However, they didn't say anything that would give a man any clue as to what is acceptable. They talked about certain things being perhaps not acceptable changing, but they gave no hint at specifics.

So, ladies. I know it doesn't affect me in some ways right now, but can you provide any insights as to where the line might be? Back a couple of months ago when I asked out a waitress at a restaurant and my brother said it was inappropriate. Was he correct? What about a man being a gentleman or extra courteous (opening a door, etc.)? Helping a woman whom has dropped bags of groceries? Starting casual small talk with a strange woman while in line at a store? Asking a strange woman out at a bar or Restaurant? Saying hello to a strange woman in passing, as men tend to do with each other? 

I just wonder how far it extends from a woman's point of view. I am always respectful of ladies and admire their strength. I've always seen them to be superior to men (sorry guys). I always have that Midwestern politeness and courteousness in gear. However, I no longer am sure of where the line is.

I graduated high school in 1977 and went off to OSU for Education. In 1979 my brother graduated and made is way South to Hocking Tech for a degree in Law Enforcement/Natural Resources. He was to become a forest ranger. My parents paid for our first two years.

When my sister graduated in 1980, my mother told her she was not being sent to college. She was to stay home and learn to be a good home maker. I think this came from my mother being in high school in the late 1940s, when this was the overall attitude.

My sister has always resented my mom's doing this, and been jealous of the degrees my brother and I received. She had wanted to prove that a person doesn't need college to be intelligent. When the internet and search engines came along, it was like a huge candy dish of knowledge to her. Whenever something comes along that she wants to be knowledgeable on or doesn't want to be left out on, she picks up the laptop and digs in. 

I understand this. It changes my view of her with regard to this issue. There are things I would expect her to not really know about, but for all I know, she probably spent hours reading reputable articles about on line. I feel like I've done her a disservice, and I'm glad my BIL let me in on this. 

My BIL had put a new style of arrow rest on my compound bow for me. I was trying it out for the first time today, and was sending a lot of arrows into the grass. I made adjustments I didn't think I needed to make, and was good.

I'm in the depths of big changes. On doctor's orders, I now eat 4-6 tiny meals per day, no more than 400 calories, plus all the diabetic restrictions. It's supposed to help regulate my biorhythms and sleep patterns. Speaking of which, no more or less than eight hours a night, and absolutely no naps. Also, my Seroquel that had just been bumped up to 200mg a few weeks ago is now being dropped to 25mg. Between this and everything else I am going through with the court stuff, mental and emotional stuff, I feel like my body is a slinky in a clothes dryer. So no, I'm not trying to quit smoking right now.

My parents are prepping for their annual fall bonfire on Sunday. It's the last as they are selling the old farmhouse and propertyin the spring and downsizing. They have 70 people coming. The last one drew 85 people. I went there to help them with some set up There is not a lot that can be done at this point. Saturday it's supposed to rain all day, with 20-30 MPH winds. Best not set up tables, chairs, or dining tents in that mini-hurricane. 

Happy Friday, everyone.

She was very intelligent and studied on damn near everything, more than I. And very pretty. She said she lived in a European country. After a couple of months I got a message saying she had been having erotic thoughts about me. She started sending me messages saying what she wanted us to do with each other. I'm a man. I began joining in on the game. And it was a game. We even had a "safe word". My god, did she turn out to be filthy and wild. I won't go into detail. Once a day emails turned into several times a day. She then convinced me to get on Whatsapp with her. The unbridled porno photos, video clips, and voice recording started floating in. I will say at this point she was not at scammer. At no point did she show any indications of it. 

This kept up until I had to move here. I had trouble keeping up at the pace we had been with everything going on. Sometimes it was a day or two before I could respond to her. She started to get impatient or upset with my lack of the regular attention/responses. One day I tried to message her on Whatsapp and er account was gone, under both her real and pen names. She had either blocked or unfriended me on FB, or deleted her account. I didn't want to seem creepy, so I sent a "test" email to her with an account I have that doesn't have my dame or initials as a part of address in it. I have that set up as a dumping place for my incoming spam. It did go through. I let the possible contact thing go at that time.

My first thought was she was being impatient and not understanding of what I was going through, and disconnected. I also had a worse thought. She said she had a violent ex. He had severely hurt her in the past. She said every year around the time of divorce, he would return from what ever country he had been holed up in. He would be hanging around waiting for an opportunity for a repeat performance. I was worried. For a couple of weeks, I looked daily at web news from her city to hopefully not find some horrible tragedy. To my relief I didn't.

At that point, I started deleting the over 1,000 emails from her. I forgot about it at that point, except for occasionally. Today while going through my emails for some year old legal emails, I found a couple hundred more from her that somehow slipped my eye, and started deleting them. I was wondering again what the hell happened. The sexual aspect had been exciting for me, but honestly, what I really missed was collaborating with her on poems and helping with comments/edits on her novel.

I was back to my original thought of her not being understanding of what I was going through. Then, this bizarre thought occurred to me, that maybe not-so-far-fetched these days. I hope you can follow this. Joan always talked about her 18-year-old daughter Cynthia. Cynthia has some mental illness and agoraphobia, so stays in her room on her computer 95% of the time, often going for days without sleep. So. What if the Joan I was communicating with was really someone created by a real Cynthia? Maybe Cynthia's real mom found out about her daughter's very deviant activities, and either made Cynthia shut it all down while she watched, or shut it down herself and took the computer stuff.

Consider this world of ours where teens and college students gain enough computer knowledge to be able to hack the pentagon and shut down large companies for a few days. Does what I am thinking sound possible or not?  I know it shouldn't bother me. It honestly doesn't. It was just a what if that popped up.